The Alchemist - Chapter 50

[northangel27]

 Well, here we are at chapter 50!  We are about 1/3 of the way through now.  I really want to thank all of you who are taking this journey with me.  You don't know how much it means to me to hear all your feedback and thoughts on this story, the characters and the human drama we are all experiencing together.  This story has come to mean so much to me.  These characters are infinitely precious to me, and I feel so blessed to have met so many wonderful people along the way.  So thank-you.

This is a short chapter, but it made me cry to write it.  I hope you enjoy.

Chapter 50

 

Lily had tried to speak to Severus at dinner in regard to what had transpired in class, but he was tight lipped and it wasn’t until she met Blaise in the Library that the real story had come out.  How Harry had been inattentive in class, how Severus had called him up to his desk to speak with him, and how Harry had suddenly lunged at him, punching him square in the jaw before he had been subdued.

 

She was astounded that Severus had let the boy off with as little punishment as he had, and she was furious at Harry for such a blatant display of disrespect.  She had called him to her rooms as soon as she found out, and though he had grumbled about homework, she had demanded that he come.

 

 “I know you don’t want to talk about it Harry, but really I’m not giving you a choice here.  What on earth possessed you to strike a teacher!  And don’t give me any of that cheek you keep spewing about Severus plotting my immanent demise, either!  This has more to do with your personal feelings about the man, than it does my safety!”  She stood over her son, hand on her hip, staring down at the bent head and worrying hands.

 

He looked up from sofa by the hearth, and for the first time she saw sadness instead of anger behind his bright emerald eyes.  “I’m sorry, Mum, okay.”

 

“You could have been expelled, Harry!  You have got to learn to control your temper…  If…if you let it rule you it very well could lead you down a dark path, a path which…well, you may find yourself in a place from which there is not easy escape.  I do not want that for you!”

 

“I know.  I just…I have a lot on my mind, okay…”  He looked back down at his hands.  They lay in his lap, palm up, empty.  After a moment she saw tears begin to splash down onto them, forming little rivers in the lifeline of his palm.

 

She sighed and sat down beside him, reaching out and wrapping an arm around his shoulders.  “You carry too much.  I know you feel alone, but you do not have to bear this thing on your own.  Just tell me.  What is it, Luv?  What is it that is bothering you so…?”

 

To her surprise he swung around and threw his arms around her, burying his head in her shoulder, his tears dampening her skin through the thin fabric of her blouse.  “I can’t tell you, Mum.”

 

“Why?”

 

“I…I just can’t, okay…”  He sighed heavily and his breath hitched.

 

“Alright…”

 

His arms tightened around her back, and she lifted a hand to smooth over the tousled hair above his collar.  She had noticed a slow and disturbing change in her son over the passing months.  It was as though he was carrying something, something he didn’t want to tell anyone.  She recognized the signs.  Severus was a man of many secrets.  She now saw the same weary look in her son.  “Harry, I can share this burden.  I did not come all this way, risk so much, just to leave you to the wolves.  Let me help you…”

 

“You can’t…”  It was barely a whisper, and he slumped wearily against her then, his tears slowly subsiding.  He sounded old, world worn, and she worried about him.  Something had happened; something was being required of him, a something that was much too heavy for his young shoulders to bear.  She wagered that Severus knew, but she did not want to ask him.  Severus had no doubt been sworn to secrecy just as much as her son.  No, she would go straight to the source.  She would go to Albus.

 

After she had seen Harry back to his common room, she headed straight for the Headmaster’s office.  It took her a moment to remember the password, but after a second or two she muttered, “sugar quills” and the great gargoyle slid back, permitting her passage.  After knocking and waiting for several minutes, she knocked again.  It appeared that he was away from his office, and with it being so close to curfew, she thought it highly unlikely that he would still be wandering the halls.  Perhaps he was not at the school at all.

Again she considered asking Severus if he knew, but he was under enough pressure without her adding to it by requiring answers to questions he could not answer.  With a sigh, she finally turned away and slowing dragged herself back down the stairs.  She did not feel like going back to her rooms, and she couldn’t bear to face Severus at the moment, either.

 

The great stone gargoyle slid back into place behind her and she wandered over to the high mullioned windows on the other side of the corridor and sat down on the wide sill, pressing her forehead against the glass and staring out at the dark grounds below.  The night was crystal clear, the snow covered lawn glistening like a million little stars, echoing those shining above in the inky sky.  The moon was nothing more than a sliver.  It would be a perfect night for star gazing.

 

She had always loved astronomy.  So many beautiful configurations, each one bearing its own story - millions of stories, if only one knew how to interpret them.  Love, tragedy, sorrow, glory…  The ancients had assigned myth to each and every facet of the human condition, and then found them reflected in the heavens, each constellation a tiny reminder in the sky.  Her heart ached for the old familiar comfort and she decided to climb upward, to visit the astronomy tower, the highest point in the castle.  It had been years since she had been there.

 

Her legs ached, and her lungs burned by the time she reached the very top of the long spiraling staircase, and as she pushed the door slowly open, she suddenly realized she was not alone.  Someone had gotten there before her.

 

Albus stood at the very edge of the outer rampart, his eye pressed to the end of an enormous gold telescope.  And she stood watching him in silence, amazed that she had been unable to find him, only to have her heart guide her to exactly where he was.

 

“Good-evening, Lily.  The night is clear and fine - perfect for star gazing.  Come here and see…”

 

She did as he asked, shivering a little in the crisp air as she walked across the divide between them and joined him at the edge.  He moved away and motioned for her to take his place.  Bending down she squinted against the glass lens.  A glowing red orb was visible.  “Is it Mars?”

 

“Yes.  And if you move it just a little….”  He stepped forward and adjusted the instrument a few inches, leaning down to bring it back into focus.  “There, look…”

 

She leaned down again, and now saw a smaller, yellowish orb.  “What is it?”

 

“Venus.  The Goddess of love and the War God, so close together in the galaxy.  Do you think that perhaps our forefathers named the planets so on purpose…?”

 

“No doubt they did…”  She pulled away and stood up again.  “How many wars were started for love, and how many loves were born out of the ravages of war…?  In the end love will be the death of war if we let it, don’t you think?”

 

His eyes held hers, and they glistened in the dim light.  She had the most uncomfortable feeling that she had perhaps caught him in a very private moment.  “Let us hope so…some day perhaps... But you have not come here just to stare at the stars.  You are glad to have found me here.  You have something you wish to discuss?”

 

She nodded.  “Yes.”

 

“Alright.  Let us go back down to my office, shall we.  There is no need to stand up here in the winter air.”

 

“You seem comfortable enough.  And I do not mind it, if you don’t.  I could use some fresh air.”

 

“Very well…”

 

She could feel a strange tugging at the back of her mind, it felt similar to when it made connection with Severus’, but this was slightly more invasive.  The old man was probing her.  “Clearly you know why I am here.”

 

“Harry.”

 

“Yes, Harry.”

 

“You are worried about him.”

 

“I am worried about what it is you have asked him to do, what it is that is so important, so secret that you have forbidden both Harry and Severus from sharing it.  Has it occurred to you that all this insistence on keeping secrets may be taking its toll on them both?!”  She had been speaking softly in the still night air, but her voice rose a little with emotion as she finished, the pain in Harry’s eyes from earlier in the evening coming back to haunt her.  “You have already made a ruin of Severus’ life, but Harry…Harry is just a boy.  I am asking you Albus – I am begging you.  Please do not do to Harry what you have done to Severus.”

 

The old man sighed and stared out toward the dark line of trees delineating the edge of the forest.  “You think me a monster.  You think that I care nothing for the boy and the man who are so precious to you, but I can assure you Lily, that nothing could be further from the truth…”

 

“Then you must tell me what it is that you have required of them.  I need to know the truth, Albus…”

 

“Not yet, Lily.”

 

“Not yet?  Then when, exactly?  I am not a fool, Albus.  Your time with us is growing to a close.  That curse that is currently held at bay…”  She nodded toward his withered hand.  “It will not remain so forever.  How long do you expect me to wait?  Until it is conveniently too late?  You cannot be ignorant of the power you hold over Severus, Harry.  They will take your secrets to the grave with them, if you so require, and I must admit I cannot help but resent you for it.  They are more precious to me than my own life – both of them – I will not let you take them from me again!”

 

“You judge me, but the life of a man of responsibility can be so fraught with isolation, Lily…”

 

“I am not ignorant of that fact.  Look at the island that has been Severus’ life!”

 

He turned to her then, and his eyes were full.  “It was not my intention…”

 

“But you contributed to it, Albus!  Surely you must see that.  You were so desperate to keep him for yourself that you walled him up in a tower of secrets and lies, you bound his hands with the promise of love and you chained him to you with the very best of his qualities – his loyalty and sense of duty.  You have nearly ruined him, and I…I am finding that very difficult to forgive.  I will not allow you to do the same to my son.  Do you understand me?”

 

The glittering blue eyes slowly darkened.  “He is nearly a man, Lily.  He will make his own choices now, and there is nothing that you or I can do about it.  His heart is good.  He will do what he must.”

 

“His heart is a child’s!  A child’s just a Severus’ was a child’s all those years ago when he made the choices that led him away from what was right, when he came back looking for grace and found only judgment at your hand.  They base these decisions on the wrong things.  The need for love, the need to feel needed, loyal, important.  Harry is too young to have such things required of him! 

 

“You are planning something, Albus, don’t think that I do not see it, and in this little play of yours Severus and Harry no doubt have leading rolls.  Well, I am here to tell you that you had best begin rewriting the script, because as long as I have something to say about it, you will not…”

 

“Do you not think that I love them?!”  he cried out, cutting her off.  It was the first time she had ever heard him raise his voice above the serenity that was his usual mode of communication.  “I do love them, and how dare you question it!”

 

“And how dare you be selfish with that love!”

 

He spun around suddenly, striding across the rampart, stopping to look down over the edge, and then turning again and returning to her side, agitated.  “You have not been here!  You do not know Severus as I do!”

 

“I do know him Albus, I have always known him…”

 

“He is not the boy you were friends with in school.  He has changed, grown, matured…”

 

“Clearly…”

 

The old man trembled.  “You were meant to do as you were told.  You were meant to stay where you were placed until it was safe, but you…  If anyone has been selfish, Lily, it has been you.”

 

She smiled softly.  “No, Albus.”

 

He stared at her, whether in anger or just disbelief, she did not know.  His eyes were probing hers, and she could feel him reaching in, searching her heart and mind for those most private of her thoughts.  She knew that it was an inconsiderate and unjustified invasion, that she should try to fight him, but he was no doubt much stronger than she and he needed to know.  He needed to see the truth.

 

She felt the moment he tore away, and his hands tightened in the fabric of his robe for just a moment before releasing it again.  His voice was tight and thick with grief when he finally spoke.  “You are driving him away from me…”

 

She sighed softly and looked down over the edge of the tower to the dark stretch of lawn below.  The height made her dizzy and she pulled away again, looking into the man’s full and glimmering blue eyes.  “No Albus.  That you have done yourself…”  And with that, she turned and walked away.

Comments

[called-daughter.livejournal.com]

Wow. Dumbledore. ::sigh:: I actually came to love him more once all of his faults were revealed. What can I say, I love broken people. And if there is someone who is broken it is certainly Dumbledore. And he just broke my heart in this chapter! I loved Lily in it too, her fierce protection of Harry and Severus. If she had been around I fully believe that she would have protected them, fought for them, and confronted Dumbledore for them.

This chapter just clarified my conflicting emotions regarding Dumbledore. (Like Lily) I as very angry with the way he used people and manipulated them for the greater good, but as always there is so much more going on than that. How lonely Dumbledore must have been, how wrought with self hatred, and how hard he did try to love. He was wise beyond his years and yet he was so confused by his own emotions. It just breaks my heart.

This chapter makes me wonder how differently the events at the end of HBP will turn out in your version. It should be very interesting to see.

[lilyevans-snape.livejournal.com]

"This chapter makes me wonder how differently the events at the end of HBP will turn out in your version. It should be very interesting to see."

I am starting to wonder that same thing myself. These characters are starting to go their own way now, and I don't believe in holding them back in order to fulfill my own selfish plans for the plot. I am beginning to think that things may turn out far differently than I thought they would.

The Potterverse is so huge and these characters so powerful, that they seem amazingly determined. I have written for a few different fandoms, but have never experienced characters so determined to make a way for themselves. Far be it for me to hold them back.

I couldn't now, even if I wanted to. I love them all far too much!

[called-daughter.livejournal.com]

Well I LOVE that you are letting them lead you because what you are writing is brilliant. I loved this chapter, it was beautiful and to me really displayed how you really understand the characters, what they are feeling, how they are changing... It's almost like your novel is a second chance for a lot of these characters, like you're giving them another turn with things and seeing what they do with it. Giving them room to breath and make choices... and Lily's character is a nice addition to the potter universe, she really is like the glue that holds the key players of this story together. Her being there for Harry and Snape to turn to is fantastically good. Both Snape and Harry tend to try to deal with things on their own, but Lily won't hear of it, she wants to be there for them. I also loved how you had Harry break down. He was allowed the chance to do that because his mother was there. And now with Lily being a sort of voice of reason for Albus... I think that is also fantastic. This chapter really was like Albus being forced to look in a mirror, which was why it was so painful. Anways I love how this story is unfolding and I too am very happy that there is much more of it to come. :)

[lilyevans-snape.livejournal.com]

"It's almost like your novel is a second chance for a lot of these characters, like you're giving them another turn with things and seeing what they do with it."

Well someone had to do it. My heart was just too broken at the end of "Deathly Hallows" and I couldn't rest until I did something about it.

Thanks so much for appreciating this story. It means the world to me!

[positivelyweird.livejournal.com]

Such a sad chapter; I'm really glad that you addressed how Harry was coping with the situation and how you had him break down under the strain of it all. That was something I would have liked to see in the books; I like that you continuously make the point that he is still very young and shouldn't have to deal with these pressures.

I also feel for both Lily and Dumbledore; Lily because she has a vague idea that Severus and Harry are being manipulated and that she is being kept in the dark, being left to assume the worse. She knows that whatever Severus is being asked to do will part them and she is no doubt worried the same may be going on with Harry. As for Dumbledore, I didn't condone his manipulation of characters, using them as a means to an end, throughout the novels; however I did sympathise with him. Although he developed relationships of some sort with Severus and Harry, the rest of the wizarding world looked to him and expected him to guide them and make things right.

I'm very pleased to hear we're only 1/3 of the way through! I already had a fair idea of that, but having it confirmed made me very happy; still 100 or so chapters to go. I could sit and read this for hours but I still never want it to end, haha.

Great chapter!

[lilyevans-snape.livejournal.com]

"I'm very pleased to hear we're only 1/3 of the way through! I already had a fair idea of that, but having it confirmed made me very happy; still 100 or so chapters to go. I could sit and read this for hours but I still never want it to end, haha."

I'm actually glad too. I'm really starting to love all these characters, and I think that I am going to be very sad for awhile when it is all over.

[sander123.livejournal.com]

Aww! You managed it to surprise me again. That's exactly the thing that makes this fanfiction so much better than others, there are so many twists and turns, they are logical looking back, but you can never guess them.

100 more chapters! :D! What wonderful news... You don't know how much I look forward to the next one.

After DH is despised Dumbledore more than I ever hated a character in a novel, but here I understand him suddenly, thank you for that.

The exchange with Harry was a very precious moment, too. He has to carry too much things on his young shoulders.

Lily is such a wonderful force in the all too male universe of DH - she is wonderfully stubborn and like the other commenters I wonder how she will change the mechanical scheming of Dumbledore. I hope she joins forces with other women :)...

[mary-sm2.livejournal.com]

This was a short but powerful chapter! For once I felt for Harry, making him break made him sensitive all of a sudden, and still he does not know all that awaits him! It's the most weird experience in my life! Knowing - not exactly ( since your characters seem to be animated by their own will, but still- what will happen next, commenting on it, and still being surprised all the long! This is not just your baby, we're all involved and we love it! You must a have a wand hidden up your sleeve! It's something we are living! something that forces respect!
As for Lily and Dumbeldore, The latter is saddend by the fact of having to manipulate people he loves, this complicates his character, so that no one can truely love him or hate him, and Lily, so torn, trying her best not to interfere with the plans, sure that if it comes to it she would sacrifice gladly for Sev or Harry, or both ( since death is an old friend) but kept willingly in the dark, I couldn't stand being in her shoes!
Thanks for all of this, it changes our perception even in our day to day life!

[lilyevans-snape.livejournal.com]

You are very welcome for this. I actually think that this was my favorite chapter so far to write. It was emotionally difficult, but I felt that Dumbledore was starting to come across as fairly one dimensional and I never wanted that. I also felt that we needed to see a softer side of Harry.